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The proudest moment. (교정 : 2)
- I have a lot of proud moments although I am young. I got a driver lisence 3 Months ago.It is the proudest moment in my life .Let me explain why.
First of all, I had not enough confidence. I met a bad teacher. He always screamed to me, so I felt afraid a lot in the car. I was not skillful driver, I made many mistakes. I tried to practice my driving but I was nervous because of his screaming.
Moreover, I was not close with a car. Ever since when I was a child, i did not like a car. This is because, the cars are noisy. The engine sound made me nervous.
However, I could get a lisence. Despite of this bad situation, I encourged by my self everyday. My family and friends were said, "cheer up! you can do it!". I tried to change my mind. Finally, I remembered the rule for lisence test and believed in my practice.
In summary, even if I had not confidence and was not like a car, I got a goal behind of my practice. This is the proudest moment. -
날짜 : 2011-12-22 08:40:41 | 교정 : 2 | 조회 : 5,435
사용된 언어 : English
태그 :
[ 교정 ]
- Hi kay, you have a very interesting entry here but I have some corrections please check it out. I also gave some pointers to make this entry more interesting please read the pointers at the bottom of this page.
I have a lot of proud moments even though I am young. I got a driver's license 3 months ago. It is the proudest moment of my life. Let me explain further. First of all, I don't have enough confidence at the time, I met a bad teacher and he always shouts at me, so I felt very afraid when I got in the car. I was not a skillful driver, I made many mistakes. I tried to practice my diriving but I was nervous because he was always shouting. Moreover, I am not fond of cars and ever since I was a child, I did not like cars. This is because the cars have noisy sound and the engine sound makes me nervous. However, I need to get a license despite of this bad situation. I encouraged myself everyday, my family and friends tell me to "cheer up! You can do it". I tried to change my mind but I remembered the rule for the licensing test, to be confident. In summary, even if I don't have enough confidence and did not like cars, I still have a goal, that is to practice driving and this is my proudest moment.
1. You mispelled the word lisence - the correct spelling is license
2. Try using a comma placed in between 2 phrases you can join two ideas using a comma
3. Please research some more on English tenses you can go online for this check on simple past tense.
Hope to be of help -
날짜 : 2011-12-22 22:50:32
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[ 교정 ]
- I like Corazon's correction, but I would add a little more:
I have a lot of proud moments, even though I am still young. I got my driver’s license 3 Months ago.
It is the proudest moment in my life. Let me explain why.
First of all, I didn’t have enough confidence. I had a bad teacher. He always screamed at me, so I felt afraid, a lot, in the car. I was not a skillful driver, and I made many mistakes. I tried to practice my driving but I was nervous because of his screaming.
I was never comfortable with a car. Ever since I was a child, I did not like cars. This was because, the cars were noisy and the engine sound made me nervous.
However, I knew I could get a license in spite of this bad situation. I encouraged myself every day. My family and friends were saying, "cheer up! You can do it!." It wasn’t easy, but I changed my mind. Finally, I was able to remember the rules for the license test and I believed in my practice.
In summary, even if I didn’t have the confidence and did not like cars, I got this goal behind me, with my practice.
This is my proudest moment.
Comments:
Comma after moments: because the phrase “even though I am still young” could be left out, and the sentence would still be complete and make sense.
Substituting “even though” for “although”: Both words have essentially the same meaning, but “even though” felt better to me. You could choose either and be correct.
Inserting “still” between “I am” and “young”: “I am young,” by itself is OK. “still” adds emphasis to help you make your point.
“A” drivers license is generic. Your story is about “MY” driver’s license ? again emphasizing your point.
Changing “driver” to the possessive form “driver’s”: This is common usage in English to use the possessive form.
License is misspelled throughout. This is a very common misspelling. There are two possible spellings, license (American English) and licence (British English). Take your choice, but stick with either American or British.
It is the proudest moment of my life… I moved the period to the end of the sentence, with no space and made a double space after the period. Punctuation always appears at the end of the sentence or phrase, with no space. Style sheets differ on whether there should be a double-space after a period, so take your choice. I believe the most common is double spaces.
First of all, I had not: Had not is past tense, but is referring to a specific action, e.g. “I had not locked the door.” I didn’t have is also past tense, but is usually used in referring to personal traits or personal possession.
Substituting “had” for “met” a bad teacher: I have met many bad teachers, but that doesn’t imply a relationship. I had a bad teacher gives the meaning of a teacher-student relationship.
Substututing “at” for “to” me: Neither word makes much sense, if you just use the literal definititons. “screaming at…” is the common-usage.
Setting “a lot” aside with commas: Same reason as before ? there are some complicated grammar rules that apply, but the easiest way to remember this is to remember the simple rule, If it can be left out, without changing the meaning of the BASIC sentence, then use commas.
I was not “a” skillful driver: Again a lot of complicated English grammar rules, but the simple test, to see if an article is required is, insert the numeral “1” in front of the word or phrase. (1 skillful driver) If it makes sense, then you MUST use an article ? or - if it doesn’t make sense, you cannot use an article. If you must use an article, you then must decide if your article needs to choose one-among-many (a or an) or one-among-one (the).
Inserting “and” between skillful driver and many mistakes: This is optional, but the “and” emphasizes the idea of both factors.
Removing “Moreover”: This word is vastly overused and is unnecessary in this sentence. HOWEVER, the graders for the TOEFL and IELTS absolutely LOVE that word. So, If you are writing for one of their certification exams, leave it in, but, when you start writing in the real world, leave out the unnecessary words.
Substituting “never comfortable” for “not close”: This sentence is awkward, as written. Also, “not close” is usually used in expressions of physical proximity or emotional endearment. “Never comfortable” confers a negative feeling toward cars.
Removing the word “when” between “ever since when I was”: “Since" already confers a meaning of relative time. Adding the word “when” makes it redundant. We rarely use “since when,” except in the phrasal verb, such as, “Since when has he become the boss?”
Adding the word “I” after “child, did not”: As written, this is an awkward construction. There is a complicated English grammar rule, but you need to restate the subject, “I” because the implied subject is not clear.
Changing construction of “did not like a car” to “did not like cars”: I made an assumption here. “did not like a car” means, to me, that there was only ONE (notice the meaning “1” of the article “a”) car, throughout your life. It would be more logical to assume that you did not like carS, in general.
Changing “is” to “was”: because your main theme “made me nervous” is past tense ? the rest of the sentence needs to be the same tense.
Changing “are” to “were”: Same as above, changing the tense to match the sentence tense.
Changing “The engine sound… from a new sentence to conjuncted, by adding “and”: First, this was correct, as written, but the sentences were short and choppy. Also, the “and” emphasizes that BOTH factors ? Noise, and the sound of the engine contributed to your nervousness.
The next sentence was confusing to me. I made the assumption that you were telling us that you still had confidence left. The common expression of that confidence would be, “I knew I could …. “
Changing “Despite of this bad situation”: As written this is awkward. It could be written as “Despite this bad situation” or “In spite of this bad situation”. The first choice is correct, but somewhat stilted English, the second is more common. I also made that phrase a part of the first sentence, to help the reader understand better. This is debatable, you could choose either.
Changing “encouraged by” to just “encouraged”: The sentence, as written, is awkward. Sometimes we say we are “encouraged by” some external person or some external changing situation, but the beginning “I” implies that it was not external. We sometimes use “by myself” when we are talking about an achievement, such as, “I did it by myself,” but it is not common to see the use of “encouraged by myself”
Changing “My family and friends were said” to “were saying”: were implies continuous action, but “said” is simple-past. With “were” use a continuous form, “were saying.”
“I tried to change my mind” is confusing, because it implies that IT FAILED. You want to use an expression that implies success. I re-wrote the sentence to change the implication.
“Finally I remember the rule for license test” is also awkward. This sentence had to be restructured. I hope it is what you wanted to say.
Changing “even if I had not the confidence” to “even if I didn’t have the confidence”: This is not really a grammar error on your part, but probably a case of thinking in your native language, and translating the words, verbatim, to English. The result is the word order is not correct for English.
Changing “and was not like car” to “and did not like cars”: again, mainly a word-order problem. And use of the singular “car” when you probably mean “cars” (plural).
Changing “I got a goal behind of my practice” to “I got this goal behind me, with my practice”: First, you could use “a goal,” because it is “1 goal.” That construct, however, is generic ? one goal among many. Your entire story is about a single goal, and “this goal” also means “1 goal” but it is specific to the goal mentioned in this story. “behind of my practice” is awkward, because of the use of the word “of”. Adding “me” to the end of “behind me” adds emphasis about the personal accomplishment.
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날짜 : 2012-01-06 10:07:55
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