작문과 교정

다른 회원이 쓴 작문을 교정해 주세요! 교정하시려면 작문 내용을 클릭하세요.
각 언어별 작문을 하고 교정을 받으세요.작문하기
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing (교정 : 1)
국적 : Philippines
모국어 : Filipino (Tagalog)
구사언어 : English(최고급)
학습언어 : French(선택안함)
상세보기 쪽지보내기
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health.

To what extent do you agree with these views?

I agree that problems such as the increase in number of fast food outlets and the parents seemingly lack of concern about their children's health,are some of the reasons why the number of overweight children in developed countries is on the rise.

Judging from what I see in the city,I can't help but notice the rapid spread of fast food chains. There would be several outlets on a single strip of road,side by side.I can surmise that the owners probably wants the customers to have variety and be able to choose from among the different menus each store offers.With this setting in mind,the parents can have different options of where to take their kids for lunch or dinner as it looks very convenient and somewhat attractive to see myriads of fast food chains.Most of these stores are also conveniently situated in the heart of the cities where most folks work and this adds to the convenience.

On the other hand,due primarily, to the financial situation around the world,both parents had to work. This leads to less time at home spent with the family.Less time and interaction with each of the family members leads to a somewhat distant relationship.In turn this distance,or for some,it could even be estrangement,is translated to carelessness or lack of concern.For most, it could just really be the lack of time to pack lunches for kids or prepare meals on a regular basis. Due to this reason most of the family members turn to unhealthy options such as fast food chains or canned food from the supermarkets that are easy to prepare and other processed foods that can be fixed in a matter of minutes.

I believe that these are just two of the reasons that cause overweight in children. Eating in fast food chains and eating foods that are easy to prepare because parents lack the time to really look after their children's health,can contribute to weight gain because food from these sources usually have more calories or unnecessary additives.Studies suggest that food from fast food chains are high in saturated fats and calories.Parents,likewise,who just allow their kids to eat what they want because it is convenient for them,stand the risk of having their children eat foods high in sugar ,fats and calories and other substances that add to weight gain.

word count:406 words
Required word count:250 words
IELTS Academic Writing Task 2
Time:40 mins
Score:8
날짜 : 2013-09-07 14:20:45 | 교정 : 1 | 조회 : 2,405
사용된 언어 : English
태그 : IELTS Writing Task 2

[ 교정 ]
국적 : United States
모국어 : English
구사언어 : Spanish(초급)
학습언어 : French(중급), German(중급), Sign Languages(초급)
상세보기 쪽지보내기
The first paragraph is a bit redundant with the second paragraph, you may want to reconsider the first paragraph, but if you choose not to, adjust this sentence--Some people think this is due to the growing number of fast food outlets.
Make sure you indent your paragraphs.
I agree(is this subjective or scientific? you may want to adjust the opinion part if it isn't supposed to be subjective) that problems such as the increase in number of fast food outlets and the parents seemingly lack of concern about their children's health, are some of the reasons why the number of overweight children in developed countries is on the rise. (slightly redundant, maybe do something like an introduction that sums up the whole article and keep this one the same}
(It's also good to indent your paragraphs for correct formatting)
Judging from what I see in the city, I can't help but notice the rapid spread of fast food chains. There would be several outlets on a single strip of road, side by side. I can surmise that the owners probably want the customers to have variety and be able to choose from among the different menus each store offers. With this setting in mind, parents can have different options of where to take their kids for lunch or dinner as it looks very convenient and somewhat attractive to see myriads of fast food chains. Most of these stores are also conveniently situated in the heart of the cities where most folks work and this adds to the convenience.

On the other hand, due primarily to the financial situation around the world, often times both parents have to work. This leads to less time at home spent with the family It also leads to less time and interaction with each of the family members resulting in a somewhat distant relationship. In turn this distance, or for some estrangement, is translated to carelessness or lack of concern. For most, it could just really be the lack of time to pack lunches for kids or to prepare meals on a regular basis. This results in ("due to this reason" doesn't really sound correct) most family members turning to unhealthy options such as fast food, canned food that is easy to prepare, and other processed foods that can be fixed in a matter of minutes.
(indent the paragraph again}
I believe that these are just two of the reasons that cause overweight (leave out the "in", the children are overweight they don't have it in them) children. Eating in fast food chains and eating {processed foods} or [ready-made foods] because parents lack the time to really care for their children's health, can contribute to weight gain. (this sentence is too much try adding a period there and saying "This is because'"] food from these sources usually have more calories or unnecessary additives. Studies suggest that food from fast food chains are often high in saturated fats and calories. Likewise, parents who allow their kids to eat what they want because it is convenient for them, stand the risk of having their children eat foods high in sugar, fats, calories, and other substances that can contribute to weight gain.

Most of it was small things such as use of spaces and commas. Great paper, I hope you get a good grade on it.
날짜 : 2015-01-22 07:38:15
댓글수 : 0 댓글추가