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I graduated from University with bachelor and master degrees in mathematics. (교정 : 2)
국적 : Korea, Republic of
모국어 : Korean
구사언어 : English(중급)
학습언어 : English(선택안함)
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I graduated from University with bachelor and master degrees in mathematics. Recently. I've become interested in developing a way to obcure a magnetic resonance image and treat an incurable disease specifically in cerebral nerve disease, which in some parts require significant amount and high level of mathematics and statistics technic, turning myself to pursue a phd degree in neuroscience abroad, especially in the U.S.. I 've decided to work at Neuroscience laboratory in alma mater to have a research experience because in could help me get Ph.d admission. So, I sent e-mail to two professors with one of whom I might work and arranged an interview.
Although both of them are newly-appointed assistant professor, they have very different charicteristics to each other. To put it simply, one professor is a level- headed realist, and the other professor is a warm-hearted idealist.
The cold-headed professor was skeptical about my attempting to career change, rasing lacking knowledge in biology and soft engineering skill and wanted his student to produce output of publishing thesis immediately.
The warm-blooded professor didn't cast doubt on my lacking requried skills and only questioned whether I have purest passion to develop a new method to cure terminal illness. He said that my shortage of knowledge was a low barrier which could be overcome within a few months to 2 or 3years and there were much more numerous and gigantic walls, going through research. From his perspectives, to successfully get over such difficulties, much more needed is qualification of having firm resolution to commit themselves to and renovate the field. Furthermore, he was incredibly attentive to my private revealings such as difficulties in making future career plan and gave a careful advice to me.
Although it could be hasty to make a decision on first impression, I was deeply moved by his careful and thoughtful consideration. Hence, I 've decided to work with the warm-headed professor.


날짜 : 2013-06-23 13:57:29 | 교정 : 2 | 조회 : 5,424
사용된 언어 : English
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[ 교정 ]
국적 : Philippines
모국어 : Filipino (Tagalog)
구사언어 : English(최고급)
학습언어 : French(선택안함)
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I graduated from (a)* University with bachelor and master degrees in mathematics. Recently, I've become interested in developing
a way to obcure** a magnetic resonance image and treat an incurable disease specifically in cerebral nerve disease.In some parts, this require significant amount and high level of mathematics and statistics technic.(In line with this), I've decided to pursue a PhD degree in neuroscience abroad, especially in the U.S.
I 've decided to work at the Neuroscience laboratory in (my) alma mater to have a research experience because it could help me get Ph.d admission. So, I sent e-mail(s) to two professors with one of whom I might work (with), and arranged an interview.Although both of them are newly-appointed assistant professor(s), they have very different characteristics ***. To put it simply, one professor is a level-headed realist, and the other professor is a warm-hearted idealist.
The (level-headed)**** professor was skeptical about my attempting (a) career change, raising (lack of) knowledge in biology and soft engineering skills.He wanted his student to produce an output; of publishing thesis immediately.(On the other hand),the warm-hearted professor didn't cast (any) doubt on my lack of required skills and only questioned whether I have (the) purest passion to develop a new method to cure a terminal illness. He said that my shortage of knowledge was a (small) barrier which could be overcome within a few months to 2 or 3 years, and there were much more numerous and gigantic walls, going through research. From his perspective, to successfully get over such difficulties, the much more needed qualification is having a firm resolution to commit (oneself) to and renovate the field.Furthermore, he was incredibly attentive to my private revealings such as difficulties in making future career plans, and gave a careful advice to me.
Although it could be hasty to make a decision on first impression, I was deeply moved by his careful and thoughtful consideration. Hence, I 've decided to work with the (warm-hearted) professor.

++++++++++++++++++

* use 'a' because the name of the university wasn't mentioned,'the' if the name is mentioned.

**obscure=v. to conceal or conceal by confusing

*** 'to each other' the phrase is redundant

****cool-headed/warm-hearted are both positive attributes

cold-headed and warm-headed = wrong phrases

renovate vs. innovate

renovate = to restore to good condition; make new or as if new again; repair.

to reinvigorate; refresh; revive.

innovate = to introduce something new; make changes in anything established.



The article describes the situation well and can be improved by minimizing run-on sentences by starting a new sentence instead.Word choice is also very important.Keep it up!
날짜 : 2013-06-26 12:45:13
댓글수 : 1 댓글추가
  • MrKim
  • Thanks so much MarieJane!!
    You are really kind and spescial !!
  • 날짜 : 2013-06-26 19:10:37


[ 교정 ]
국적 : United States
모국어 : English
구사언어 : Spanish(고급), Korean(고급)
학습언어 : Chinese (Mandarin)(초보), French(초보), Portuguese(초보)
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>>Teacher Marie Jane did a fine job, but I have some additional comments to make.

I graduated from (a)* University with bachelor and master degrees in mathematics.
>>You don't have to use an article (a/an/the) with "university." Just don't capitalize "University." It's like saying, "I graduated from school." You don't have to say, "I graduated from a school," but you can choose to include or exclude an article in this case.

Recently, I've become interested in developing a way to obcure** a magnetic resonance image and treat an incurable disease specifically in cerebral nerve disease. In some parts, this require significant amount and high level of mathematics and statistics technic.
>>"require": Correct tense usage would be "these require" or "this requires." You would want to say "this requires" since the subject is singular and not plural. A better way of phrasing this sentence is, "In some parts, this requires a significant amount of high-level mathematics and statistics technique."

(In line with this), I've decided to pursue a PhD degree in neuroscience abroad, especially in the U.S.
>>Instead of "especially," "specifically" would be a better word to use. You use the word "especially" when one thing out of a group of things stands out. You could say, "I would like to pursue a PhD... abroad, especially in the U.S." This would suggest that you are looking into several countries, the U.S. being one of them.

I 've decided to work at the Neuroscience laboratory in (my) alma mater to have a research experience because it could help me get Ph.d admission.
>> "at" (not "in") my alma mater
>> it could help me get *accepted into the PhD program.*

So, I sent e-mail(s) to two professors with one of whom I might work (with),
>>"with one of whom I might work with." The second "with" is redundant. It is also grammatically improper to end a sentence with a preposition, so your original sentence was more correct.

there were much more numerous and gigantic walls, going through research.
>>Use "many" instead of "much." Walls are discrete and can be counted. "Much" is used for things that cannot be counted (e.g. water, happiness, etc.) with the exception of money.

>>These were just some things that stood out to me. I hope they helped!

날짜 : 2013-06-29 12:03:56
댓글수 : 2 댓글추가
  • MrKim
  • Thanks very much for your careful advice. Jennifer Kwon!!
    It is very helpful.^^
  • 날짜 : 2013-06-29 13:40:23

  • MarieJane
  • This is great!
  • 날짜 : 2013-07-17 14:08:06