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innocent21

From : Korea, Republic of
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Hi! I'm studying iBT TOEFL writing but there is no one to revise my essay or make comments about mine. ㅠㅜ I know it is a long essay but hope you help me. Thanks!! Question: Students apply for admission only to their first-choice school, while others apply to several schools. Which plan do you agree with, and why? Be sure to include details and examples to support your opinion. Elitism severely pervades in Korea so that many students are eager to enter the prestigious universities. Students not only study hard but also resort on different strategies when it comes to application. While some students apply to several schools to distribute danger and feel less burdensome, it seems better to apply for admission only to the school that one desires the most. To begin with, students can concentrate harder if they only apply to their first-choice school. Application is not an easy task in that it requires many essays, recommendation letters and qualifications. For instance, if students want to apply to Seoul National University, the most prestigious school in Korea, They need to write an essay of 5,000 words about their characteristics, past experiences and values. Receiving recommendation letters from teachers, reporting standardized scores such as TOEFL and collecting qualification data are not only arduous but also severely time-consuming. In contrast, if students aim at their first-choice school, they do can invest these efforts and time in one application which can make them outstanding among other applicants. The cost of application can not also be disregarded. In Korea, it costs a great deal to apply for schools. Before the government constrained the number of schools that students can apply to five, some students spend more than one thousand dollars just to apply for many schools. Furthermore, in this country many students are seriously dependent on private education. That is, they spend much money to prepare the application for certain universities such as writing essays and acquiring qualifications. Considering each university requests for different kinds of essays and qualifications, the cost can be insurmountable. Thus, students need to save their money by applying for only one school. Finally, students can do their best if they only apply for one school they want the most. Some argue that it is dangerous to apply for only one school since there is a possibility of failure. However, this danger makes students desperate and propel them try their hardest in application. Setting one robust goal is much more beneficial for students than feeling safety while expecting to be admitted to at least one school that they do not even want to go desperately. To sum up, it is better to apply for admission only to school that students eager the most since this desperation makes students concentrate, save their money, and do their best. Even if students fail to be admitted to their first-choice school, reapplying is possible in Korea. If students try again and again and harder and harder, one day they will be accepted to their first-choice school.: Date : 2014-03-28 09:32:48 | Correction : 1 | Views : 5,296
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[ Correction ]

AndreaGuil

From : United States
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Studying : Italian(Absolute Beginner), French(No selection)

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Elitism severely pervades in Korea so that many students are eager to enter the most prestigious universities. Students not only study hard but also resort (onto) different strategies when it comes to (the) application. While some students apply to several schools to distribute danger and (to) feel less burdensome, it seems better to apply for admission only to the school that one desires the most. To begin, students can concentrate harder if they only apply to their first-choice school. Filling the application is not an easy task in that it requires many essays, recommendation letters and qualifications. For instance, if students want to apply to Seoul National University, the most prestigious school in Korea, (t)hey need to write an essay of 5,000 words about their characteristics, past experiences and values. Receiving recommendation letters from teachers, reporting standardized scores such as TOEFL and collecting qualification data are not only arduous but also severely time-consuming. In contrast, if students (aimed) at their first-choice school, they ()can invest these efforts and time in one application which can make them outstanding among other applicants. The cost of (the) application cannot also be disregarded. In Korea, it costs a great deal to apply for schools. Before the government constrained the number of schools that students can apply to(,) five, some students spend more than one-thousand dollars just to apply for many schools. Furthermore, in this country(,) many students are seriously dependent on private education. That is, they spend (so) much money to prepare the application for certain universities such as writing essays and acquiring qualifications. Considering each university requests for different kinds of essays and qualifications, the cost can be insurmountable. Thus, students need to save their money by applying for only one school. Finally, students can do their best if they only apply for (the) one school they want the most. Some argue that it is dangerous to apply for only one school since there is a possibility of failure. However, this danger makes students desperate and propel(s) them (to) try their hardest in (the) application. Setting one robust goal is much more beneficial for students than (just) feeling safety while expecting to be admitted to at least one school that they do not even want to go desperately. To sum up, it is better to apply for admission only to (the) school that students eager the most (because) this desperation makes students concentrate, save their money, and do their best. Even if students fail to be admitted to their first-choice school, reapplying is possible in Korea. If students try again and again(,) and harder and harder, one day they will be accepted to their first-choice school. Very good! There are the corrections I was able to find. You essay was still clear and understandable. I hope my corrections will help, and I hope your iBT TOEFL goes well!: Date : 2014-08-25 21:54:38

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[ Edit my correction ]

Elitism severely pervades in Korea so that many students are eager to enter the most prestigious universities. Students not only study hard but also resort (onto) different strategies when it comes to (the) application. While some students apply to several schools to distribute danger and (to) feel less burdensome, it seems better to apply for admission only to the school that one desires the most. 
To begin, students can concentrate harder if they only apply to their first-choice school. Filling the application is not an easy task in that it requires many essays, recommendation letters and qualifications. For instance, if students want to apply to Seoul National University, the most prestigious school in Korea, (t)hey need to write an essay of 5,000 words about their characteristics, past experiences and values. Receiving recommendation letters from teachers, reporting standardized scores such as TOEFL and collecting qualification data are not only arduous but also severely time-consuming. In contrast, if students (aimed) at their first-choice school, they ()can invest these efforts and time in one application which can make them outstanding among other applicants. 
The cost of (the) application cannot also be disregarded. In Korea, it costs a great deal to apply for schools. Before the government constrained the number of schools that students can apply to(,) five, some students spend more than one-thousand dollars just to apply for many schools. Furthermore, in this country(,) many students are seriously dependent on private education. That is, they spend (so) much money to prepare the application for certain universities such as writing essays and acquiring qualifications. Considering each university requests for different kinds of essays and qualifications, the cost can be insurmountable. Thus, students need to save their money by applying for only one school. 
Finally, students can do their best if they only apply for (the) one school they want the most. Some argue that it is dangerous to apply for only one school since there is a possibility of failure. However, this danger makes students desperate and propel(s) them (to) try their hardest in (the) application. Setting one robust goal is much more beneficial for students than (just) feeling safety while expecting to be admitted to at least one school that they do not even want to go desperately. 
To sum up, it is better to apply for admission only to (the) school that students eager the most (because) this desperation makes students concentrate, save their money, and do their best. Even if students fail to be admitted to their first-choice school, reapplying is possible in Korea. If students try again and again(,) and harder and harder, one day they will be accepted to their first-choice school. 
 
Very good! There are the corrections I was able to find. You essay was still clear and understandable. I hope my corrections will help, and I hope your iBT TOEFL goes well!

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